A guide to understanding and repair
“Get over it.”
If these words came up in a conversation, this guide offers another perspective on how they may have landed — and what might help now.
Sometimes what you mean and what they hear can be very different.
What you may have meant
You likely saw their pain, felt helpless, and wanted it to stop for both of you. From your perspective, moving on is a practical, active solution to a problem. You were probably trying to offer a shortcut back to feeling okay, not dismiss the depth of their experience.
What they may have heard
Before logic can even get involved, their nervous system hears a loud, clear alarm: 'My feelings are a burden and they are pushing you away.' This lands as a direct threat to the safety of the connection, triggering a primal fear of being abandoned for being 'too much.'
Here's how to help right now.
What are you seeing?
Before anything else
"I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to say."
Apologise briefly here. Keep it short. No explaining, no defending, no 'but'.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Acknowledge the weight of what they're feeling.
- ✓ Keep a steady, supportive presence.
- ✓ Wait for them to lead the conversation.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't tell them to 'move on.'
- ✕ Don't compare their pain to someone else's.
- ✕ Don't sigh or look at your watch.
The Cooldown
5 minutes. Wait for them to continue.
When you're both ready
"I'm sorry I told you to 'get over it.' I realize that for your brain, things take longer to process, and I shouldn't have rushed you."
Before anything else
"That was the wrong thing to say. I am pausing because I can see you're still processing."
If they seem unresponsive, use one brief apology, then reduce pressure. Don’t ask them to reassure you or talk it through yet.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Offer to change the subject or the environment.
- ✓ Sit down and take a break with them.
- ✓ Give them 10 seconds of silence to breathe.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't ask 'Are you still on about that?'
- ✕ Don't show signs of impatience.
- ✕ Don't use the word 'but' in your next sentence.
The Cooldown
45-60 minutes. Wait for them to feel regulated before continuing.
When you're both ready
"I apologize for my impatience. I know your processing speed is different from mine, and telling you to 'get over it' was unfair to your nervous system."
Before anything else
"I’ve hit a nerve by rushing you. I'm stepping back for now so we can both breathe."
If they’re in full meltdown or crisis, use one calm ownership line, then step back. Save the full apology for later.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Leave the room and give them total privacy.
- ✓ Reduce all sensory input (dim lights, no noise).
- ✓ Provide a weighted blanket or comforting object.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't tell them they're 'stuck' or 'ruminating.'
- ✕ Don't lecture them on 'resilience.'
- ✕ Don't walk away with a look of disappointment.
The Cooldown
2+ hours. Wait for them to initiate a neutral interaction.
When you're both ready
"I am so sorry for shaming your processing speed. It was a dismissal of your lived reality, and I see how much that hurt. I want to respect your timeline, not mine."
Shared from BirdStory.
This is not a diagnostic document or a substitute for professional support. It describes a pattern some people recognise, so it won’t fit everyone — the person you’re supporting remains the authority on their own experience.