A guide to understanding and repair
“You just need to push through.”
If these words came up in a conversation, this guide offers another perspective on how they may have landed — and what might help now.
Sometimes what you mean and what they hear can be very different.
What you may have meant
They were likely trying to give you a vote of confidence. In their world, feeling stuck or tired is often solved by a dose of determination, and they are offering you the tool that has worked for them. They see your capability and want to help you get past what looks like a temporary hurdle, not understanding that you've hit a hard biological wall.
What they may have heard
Before your brain can even process the words, your body hears: "My physical reality is not real." It lands as a direct challenge to your own experience, an instant signal that you are being judged as lazy or weak. The nervous system interprets this not as encouragement, but as a form of social danger—a sign that your struggles are unacceptable to others.
Here's how to help right now.
What are you seeing?
Before anything else
"I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to say."
Apologise briefly here. Keep it short. No explaining, no defending, no 'but'.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Wait in silence for 5-10 seconds to give them air.
- ✓ Nod slowly to show you're still on their team.
- ✓ Keep your body language open.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't clap your hands or make loud noises to 'motivate.'
- ✕ Don't say 'It just takes 5 more minutes.'
- ✕ Don't use a 'cheerleader' tone that feels dismissive.
The Cooldown
5-10 minutes. Wait for them to lead.
When you're both ready
"I'm sorry I told you to push through. I realize that for your brain, processing takes its own time, and I shouldn't have rushed you."
Before anything else
"That was the wrong thing to say. I am pausing because I can see you're stuck and I'm not helping."
If they seem unresponsive, use one brief apology, then reduce pressure. Don’t ask them to reassure you or talk it through yet.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Offer to pause the task and do something parallel (like watching a show).
- ✓ Lower your voice volume and physical presence.
- ✓ Provide a sensory reset like a cold drink.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't ask 'What's the matter now?'
- ✕ Don't touch them without asking.
- ✕ Don't show signs of being 'tired' of their pace.
The Cooldown
60-90 minutes. Wait for them to settle into a comfort activity.
When you're both ready
"I apologize for my impatience. I know that regulation is a biological process, not a mental switch, and I'm sorry for shaming you for it."
Before anything else
"I’ve turned this into a fight by judging your capacity. I'm stepping away for now."
If they’re in full meltdown or crisis, use one calm ownership line, then step back. Save the full apology for later.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Leave the room immediately. Give them total privacy.
- ✓ Reduce all sensory input (dim lights).
- ✓ Leave a comforting object nearby without comment.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't lecture them on 'resilience' or 'determination.'
- ✕ Don't walk away with a look of disgust.
- ✕ Don't use the 'last word' to shame them.
The Cooldown
3+ hours. Wait for a neutral bridge interaction.
When you're both ready
"I am so sorry for shaming your regulation process. I see how much effort you put into every moment, and I'm sorry my words suggested you were just 'giving up.' I'm here for all of it."
Shared from BirdStory.
This is not a diagnostic document or a substitute for professional support. It describes a pattern some people recognise, so it won’t fit everyone — the person you’re supporting remains the authority on their own experience.