A guide to understanding and repair
“You’re not making any sense.”
If these words came up in a conversation, this guide offers another perspective on how they may have landed — and what might help now.
Sometimes what you mean and what they hear can be very different.
What you may have meant
You were likely just trying to be honest because you genuinely felt lost. You wanted to understand their point and felt the conversation moving too quickly, so you put up a hand to ask them to pause and help you catch up.
What they may have heard
For them, this doesn't land as a simple request for clarity. It lands as a sudden, loud verdict: "Your brain is broken." In that instant, it feels like a public confirmation of a deep private fear—that their way of thinking is fundamentally wrong and unintelligible to others.
Here's how to help right now.
What are you seeing?
Before anything else
"I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to say."
Apologise briefly here. Keep it short. No explaining, no defending, no 'but'.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Ask if they need you to repeat the last part in a different way.
- ✓ Stay present and give them your full attention.
- ✓ Nod slowly to show you're still engaged.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't roll your eyes at their phrasing.
- ✕ Don't use a sarcastic or mocking tone.
- ✕ Don't walk away while they are trying to find words.
The Cooldown
5 minutes. Wait for them to lead.
When you're both ready
"I'm sorry I used such a dismissive phrase. I realize that verbalizing and auditory processing can be energy-intensive for you, and I shouldn't have shamed you."
Before anything else
"That was the wrong thing to say. I am pausing because I see I’ve added pressure where it doesn’t help."
If they seem unresponsive, use one brief apology, then reduce pressure. Don’t ask them to reassure you or talk it through yet.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Offer to continue the conversation via text or writing.
- ✓ Lower your voice volume.
- ✓ Wait 10 seconds before each response.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't ask 'Why can't you just say what you mean?'
- ✕ Don't show signs of being 'tired' of their communication style.
- ✕ Don't touch them without asking.
The Cooldown
45-60 minutes. Wait for their body language to relax.
When you're both ready
"I apologize for shaming your communication style. I know that for you, finding the 'right' words is a complex process, and I'm sorry for making it harder."
Before anything else
"I’ve hit a nerve by being judgmental of your processing. I'm stepping away for now so we can both reset."
If they’re in full meltdown or crisis, use one calm ownership line, then step back. Save the full apology for later.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Physically remove yourself from the room.
- ✓ Set a timer for your return to provide predictability.
- ✓ Leave a comforting item nearby without comment.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't tell them they 'never make sense.'
- ✕ Don't walk away with a look of disgust.
- ✕ Don't demand an apology for their 'tone.'
The Cooldown
2+ hours. Wait for a neutral bridge interaction.
When you're both ready
"I am so sorry for shaming your auditory and verbal processing. It was a dismissive thing to say, and I want to support your process, not judge it."
Shared from BirdStory.
This is not a diagnostic document or a substitute for professional support. It describes a pattern some people recognise, so it won’t fit everyone — the person you’re supporting remains the authority on their own experience.