A guide to understanding and repair
“That's common sense.”
If these words came up in a conversation, this guide offers another perspective on how they may have landed — and what might help now.
Sometimes what you mean and what they hear can be very different.
What you may have meant
You were likely trying to simplify something or emphasize its straightforward nature, assuming it would help the other person understand more easily. You probably didn't intend to make them feel inadequate; you just wanted to clarify the point.
What they may have heard
The words land as a direct attack on intellectual ability and competence. Before logical thought can intervene, the nervous system registers a threat to identity and belonging: "I am not smart enough. I am different, and that's bad."
Here's how to help right now.
What are you seeing?
Before anything else
"I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to say."
Apologise briefly here. Keep it short. No explaining, no defending, no 'but'.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Provide the context or logic they missed without judgment.
- ✓ Keep your tone neutral and helpful.
- ✓ Nod to show you're still on their team.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't repeat the instruction with an attitude.
- ✕ Don't roll your eyes at their question.
- ✕ Don't sigh loudly.
The Cooldown
5 minutes. Wait for them to lead.
When you're both ready
"I'm sorry I used the phrase 'common sense.' I realize that for your brain, certain unspoken rules are confusing, and I want to be more clear in how I communicate."
Before anything else
"That was the wrong thing to say. I am pausing because I see I'm shaming your processing."
If they seem unresponsive, use one brief apology, then reduce pressure. Don’t ask them to reassure you or talk it through yet.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Lower your voice volume and physical height.
- ✓ Offer to write down the 'rules' or context for later.
- ✓ Break eye contact to lower the social pressure.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't ask 'How do you not know this?'
- ✕ Don't show visible impatience.
- ✕ Don't touch them without asking.
The Cooldown
45-60 minutes. Wait for their body language to relax.
When you're both ready
"I apologize for shaming your processing. I know that 'common sense' is often just a set of neurotypical assumptions, and I'm sorry for making you feel like you're 'less than' for not sharing them."
Before anything else
"I’ve turned this into a fight by judging your nature. I'm stepping away for now so we can both reset."
If they’re in full meltdown or crisis, use one calm ownership line, then step back. Save the full apology for later.
Help their body settle
Ways to Help
- ✓ Physically remove yourself from the room.
- ✓ Remove background noise like the TV.
- ✓ Provide a sensory reset item nearby without comment.
What to Avoid
- ✕ Don't lecture them on 'social norms.'
- ✕ Don't walk away with a look of disgust.
- ✕ Don't demand an apology for their 'confusion.'
The Cooldown
2+ hours. Wait for a neutral bridge interaction.
When you're both ready
"I am deeply sorry for shaming your neurodivergence. It was a dismissive thing to say, and I want to learn to be a better translator for you, not a critic."
Shared from BirdStory.
This is not a diagnostic document or a substitute for professional support. It describes a pattern some people recognise, so it won’t fit everyone — the person you’re supporting remains the authority on their own experience.