Your words and choices keep getting checked against an idea of who the real you is supposed to be. Even a small mismatch can make an ordinary interaction feel false. Instead of simply doing something, you're also measuring whether it was genuinely you.
- leaving a conversation wondering whether your enthusiasm was real or performed
- questioning a new interest because it doesn't fit the person you thought you were
- changing your tone for a work meeting and later feeling dishonest about it
- agreeing with someone, then examining whether you meant it or were trying to fit in
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"You keep changing your mind about what you think."
I'm re-calibrating. My last opinion didn't feel truly *me*, so I'm trying to find the one that actually fits.
"You're being really quiet. Are you bored with us?"
My brain is running a full-scale audit on everything I could say to make sure it's 100% 'authentic' and not just a performance.
"Wow, you're really overthinking that. It's not that deep."
I'm providing the receipts from my internal audit to prove this choice aligns with my core self and isn't just a random whim.
"You seem to jump from one thing to the next so quickly."
I tried on an identity, it didn't pass the audit, and now I feel like a fraud for ever attempting it in the first place.
"Why is writing one text taking you so long?"
I'm trying to craft a sentence that perfectly captures my internal state without a single molecule of fakeness. It’s a whole process.
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