When someone is no longer part of your regular surroundings, the friendship can stop appearing in daily thought. Nothing has gone wrong and the affection is still there, but months pass without the small acts that keep the connection active.
- thinking warmly of an old colleague only when their name appears online
- feeling as close as ever when you meet, despite not contacting them for a year
- realising a nearby friend has slowly become distant since you stopped sharing a weekly activity
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"You just ghosted me."
My object permanence for people isn't great. I care deeply, but if you're not in my direct line of sight, my brain sometimes forgets to perform the upkeep.
"I guess you just don't care enough to reach out."
I care immensely. But initiating contact takes a massive amount of executive function, and most days my battery is already in the red zone.
"It's been months. You obviously moved on."
Actually, the longer it's been, the more shame I feel about not reaching out, which makes it even harder to break the silence.
"It's not that hard to just send a quick text."
For my brain, that 'quick text' is a multi-step mission involving timing, energy, anxiety, and finding the 'right' words. It's rarely simple.
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