A strong feeling is quickly followed by doubt about whether you were allowed to feel it. Instead of staying with what happened, you start measuring your reaction and searching for evidence that it was too much. The questioning can outlast the original moment.
- feeling hurt by a comment and immediately wondering whether you're being too sensitive
- getting angry about a crossed boundary, then arguing yourself out of it
- crying after a difficult exchange and treating the tears as proof that you've overdone it
- asking several people whether your reaction to an upsetting message was reasonable
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"Wow, you got really upset about that."
My brain is already holding a trial to determine if I was 'allowed' to feel that, and the verdict is almost always 'guilty of overreacting.'
"You suddenly went quiet. Are you mad at me?"
I'm not mad at you. I'm just caught in a loop, replaying what happened and trying to decide if my feelings were valid or 'too much.'
"You didn't have to apologize for that."
I apologized to get ahead of the judgment I assume is coming, because the judge in my own head is already telling me I was out of line.
"You seem fine now, so I guess it's all good?"
I've just pushed the feeling down and put on the 'it's fine' mask because arguing with my own brain about it is too exhausting.
"Why are you asking me if I'm okay? I'm not the one who was upset."
The doubt loop is so strong that I've flipped the script and am now trying to manage your feelings to make sure I didn't cause a problem.
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