You know what you want to say, but keeping the interaction smooth takes over. The no becomes a yes, the objection stays unspoken or the discomfort gets pushed aside. Your own response returns later, once the other person's reaction is no longer in front of you.
- agreeing to a favour while already knowing you don't have the capacity
- laughing along with a comment that made you uncomfortable
- accepting a change you don't want because questioning it might create tension
- saying the meal is fine rather than asking for the mistake to be corrected
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"You're so flexible and easygoing!"
My internal alarm system is blaring, but I've learned to just smile and nod while I frantically cut the wires.
"Why didn't you just say you didn't want to?"
My brain ran a lightning-fast calculation, and the imagined cost of your disappointment felt way scarier than the real cost of my own discomfort.
"You seem totally on board with the plan."
I am wearing an 'On Board With The Plan' costume over a 'Please God No' t-shirt. The costume feels safer.
"You really didn't have to do all that for me!"
It didn't feel like a choice. It felt like a core requirement to maintain my standing with you and not be seen as 'difficult'.
"Are you sure you're okay with this? You got quiet."
That's the sound of my actual opinion being wrestled into submission by my fear of the social fallout.
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