There may be a very clear way things are supposed to happen in your head, even when it has never been said aloud. Discovering that someone else has a completely different rulebook can bring genuine shock, especially when they treat the whole thing as flexible.
- assuming whoever cooks never has to wash up, then learning your partner never knew that rule
- feeling thrown when a regular Sunday plan changes without a discussion
- discovering that 'I'll call later' means tonight to you and sometime this week to them
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"Why are you so upset over such a small thing? Just go with the flow."
My brain built an entire scaffold of expectations to make this feel safe, and that 'small thing' just kicked out a foundational support beam.
"You're being so controlling. It doesn't have to be done your way."
This isn't about control, it's about predictability. My 'way' is a map that keeps me from getting lost in a world that feels chaotic.
"I had no idea that would bother you. You didn't say anything."
I thought the rule was so obvious it didn't need to be said. I'm just now realizing we are working from completely different books.
"You're being really quiet. Are you mad at me?"
I'm not mad, my social operating system just crashed. I'm trying to reboot after encountering an event my programming couldn't process.
"You're so particular about everything!"
It's not about being picky. Following these specific steps is a ritual that quiets the static in my head and saves my energy for what really matters.
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