You keep returning to the possibility that your struggles aren't real after all. Every piece of evidence brings only brief relief before another doubt appears. You can end up repeatedly putting your own experience on trial.
- having an easier day and wondering whether you invented the difficult ones
- rereading assessment notes to check that you really qualify
- comparing yourself with someone who struggles differently and deciding you must be pretending
- looking for proof that a difficulty is real while dismissing every example you find
Looks vs reality
The same Experience can look very different from the outside than it feels on the inside.
"You seem so capable and put-together!"
Inside, you're constantly questioning if you're even allowed to be struggling, or if you're just making it all up for attention.
"But you were totally fine yesterday. You seemed so happy."
That one 'good' day is now Exhibit A in the case against yourself, used as 'proof' that you must be faking the hard days.
"You're just using your diagnosis as an excuse."
Your brain is screaming, "They're right, you're a fraud, you're just lazy and using a label to get out of things."
"You're getting a little obsessed with all this research."
You're not obsessing; you're desperately hunting for one more piece of 'evidence' to convince the judge and jury in your head that your experience is real.
"You're being really quiet. Everything okay?"
You're not being quiet, you're just busy cross-examining yourself for the thousandth time today to see if your story holds up.
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